November 10, 2014

Permission To Process | My Story

This season is as beautifully mind blowing as it is uncomfortable, and I'm learning to be okay in that. For a planner minded ( okay, okay ... a slightly Type A / highly particular ) kind of person like myself, you see certain habits and perspectives come undone pretty quickly. It can frustrate you when you can't do everything your usual way. Then you step back and realize, maybe that's the point.

You literally begin functioning in full wide open faith, yielding to complete dependency on God for direction, where to go, what to do, how to do it, your money... every little thing. It becomes your currency. Faith can be one of those words that is tossed around often, but the action of it is no joke. To many, the action of walking it out can be seen as foolish, a form of denial, unrealistic or downright irresponsible. At times faith goes against common sense, but when you're chasing an uncommon vision, it might require a less common level of sense...

We'd be lying if we said this season wasn't a little outside of our comfort zone at times. We are beyond grateful for this path and for getting so much more time together as a family. We love getting to truly explore a city and seek out the beautiful gems it holds. Not one day goes by that we don't realize what a blessing this time is for the three of us. We are soaking in every moment of it, and squeezing out everything we can from being able to be in another part of the world.

But, a huge change was made, and with that plenty of transitions, lessons and growth are happening rapidly. There are times, usually late at night, when the uncertainty can feel a little heavy. I figure there is a cycle of emotions that come with giving up things that mattered to you, moving somewhere far, and then not exactly knowing what's ahead, all while living in a way that looks so different than you've ever known. It's not a bad thing, it's just a real thing that creates a wide range of feelings and thoughts.

 Let's not beat around the bush... we are out here, not working, and have a 1 year old who eats more than anyone I know. A place to stay, getting around, and food costs money. Our usual every two week income flow doesn't exist, and the money we came with should've really been gone awhile ago. But the best part is, we are still more than okay and living well. We have both received pretty good job offers through the embassy, but we have no peace about taking them. When we ask God if we should, He says no, and reminds us to trust Him. There are moments where it would be easier to just get a job in our minds, it makes obvious sense.  Yet we know that's not what this season is about. We have really been able to see God providing directly for us, and that builds our history and relationship with Him. We know this is preparation for something.

Two weeks after coming out here, Kevin was praying about something he wanted to work on, God told him to build His church first. We were like: "Wait, what?? A church?!" A week after He told Kevin that, He told me that the church was to function and look nothing like a church and that it would have hubs all over the world. He reminded me of something He put in our heart years ago. We have a clear vision we are working on, now we are just praying about the how's.

It doesn't matter what kind of transitions are occurring in your life. Sometimes you can feel pressured to have a plan, come up with a way, or make a decision about something you have no direction on yet. We decided we are not going to rush anything just to feel better about what we don't know or appease the looming uncertainty. When it's time to make a move, we'll make it without hesitation, until then, we stay thankfully present in the day we are in.

We have been told that faith can't pay the bills. We get asked by some people how we are going to pay for things coming up, how we would start this vision with no money saved, how are we going to keep up living this way, and is Kuala Lumpur somewhere we'll stay for awhile.  We don't have answers to these questions yet. Would we like to know? Of course! But we are learning to be patient. It can be hard when the questions roll in, and the worry and fear in other people's voices can jump onto you. I've had to learn to recognize that and guard my spirit. I know people, especially those closest to us, can worry. They fear for you, we totally understand that.

I don't write or share any of this for any other reason than that I wanted to be transparent about how it feels, for me, in a time of change. I do it so that if you are in a similar season, you know you're not alone...or crazy.  Sometimes it's hard to have feelings we didn't expect to have that aren't exactly perfectly mature and noble.  But I believe working through them, and still having a grateful heart full of unrelenting recklessly passionate faith, with a willingness to learn, is when you access an unshakable perspective. Stay focused on the path, even if it looks nothing like what you expected. Again, that may be the point.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this Ashley! I needed to read this tonight, I admire your strength and faith. Miss chatting with you, T